Passion, Pride and Purpose

Sorry, Sue! I steal your title!

Sue says, when I share something, the sharing sure ends with a conclusion. No, no conclusion this time, I still could not grasp the bigger picture. To be frank, I’m quite confused (haha!) I received advices from two extremes actually. I am still doing reading about these topics. I just want to record the random thoughts that come to me when I think along the title of this post as well as the advices that I get every now and then. I will append updates to this post as this goes on 🙂

Someone who used to be special to me once said, “You try everything too hard. I do not want a life like you!” Such a damaging and yet thought-provoking statement: it devoured me, but at the same time it kind of enlightened me.

I went on a cell retreat with my cell group members. During the group praying session, one of the members received a vision. She saw me opening up my palms as a gesture to receive the sand-like thingy falling from the sky but god is speaking in the background, “How are you going to receive what I’m about to give you, when your hands are already full? Just let go!”

Another cell member also said after the girl, that he heard whisper while he was praying for me, which said “let go”.

Hmm… So it’s about letting go and being empty inside…

Then came the next morning when we had morning devotion. The cell leader asked the whole group to pray for me again. While they were praying, my tears just kept streaming down. After they prayed, the leader asked me to speak my prayer to god aloud. Before I did that, I was calm and had stopped weeping. But, when I said the prayer, I cried aloud again. I said, “Heavenly father, please continue the work that you have initiated in me, let me be a better person every day. And I want to be happy again and I want my good qualities within me to shine again.”

You know what? My prayer rendered all cell members in tears! The power of religion?

At the end of the session, cell leader reminded me, “Just surrender yourself fully, Sam, god’s in control. Stop striving so much and stop trying to be in control for your life.”

Somehow, I find the stop striving part is a two-edged sword.

I look back into my past:  I do have passions, but they are always very short-lived. I am very goal-orientated, if I manage to find myself goals that is. When there’s a goal for me, I always go all out. Even if the goal seems impossible, I would just be so fueled by my so-called passion: full of energy, full of motivation, almost unstoppable. That was when I decided I wanted to graduate with first class for my undergraduate studies and I wanted to win one of the royal awards. That was when I decided that I wanted to win a gold medal in Malaysian Universities Games. That was when I decided I wanted to be promoted to the next level of corporate ladder in every 2 years. That was when I decided I wanted to pursue masters overseas. That was when I decided I wanted to graduate with first class for my masters despite falling-into-the-worst-shit-hole-in-my-life.

Xwei, who is an actuary, told me one day, “Lu, I want to change job. I want a job, which can contribute to the community.”

“I thought every job does that?”

“No, I am just making money for my company, not the greater community.”

This conversation gave me something to think about PRIDE. I like being an engineer. It gives me great satisfaction to be able to be a part of the country’s infrastructure development. BUT, what if I feel I am not cut out for being an engineer?

**********

Can passion, pride and purpose coexist? Can passion coincide with talent?

*to be continued* 🙂

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Inside the glass bottle…

“I want to walk tall, believe in myself, have the courage to ask for what I want and need, and live a life that mattered. I want to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and know that I am loved and that I belonged. I am desperate to feel worthy and I am hungry for the opportunity to live my fullest potential.” - modified from "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" - Debbie Ford

Under the apple tree…

"If you are not spending all of your waking life in discontent, worry, anxiety, depression, despair, or consumed by other negative states; if you are able to enjoy simple things like listening to the sound of the rain or the wind; if you can see the beauty of clouds moving across the sky or be alone at times without feeling lonely or needing the mental stimulus of entertainment; if you find yourself treating a complete stranger with heartfelt kindness without wanting anything from him or her... it means that a space has opened up, no matter how briefly, in the otherwise incessant stream of thinking that is the human mind." - A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle

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Ich lese….

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Inspiring quotes!

If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? (God in "Evan Almighthy")
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