Updates

Heavenly Father,

You may find this redundant as I talk to you almost every day, mostly before I go to bed as well as during all kinds of awkward hours and situations. But I thought this would be more conclusive because I always talk to you pertaining to isolated situations and in a fragmented way and sometimes I fall asleep half way through our communication…

I love this quote from Morgan Freeman who played the role of God in the movie “Evan Almighty” so much:

“If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

I think this is what happening to me, after surviving and enduring all the challenges/trials, more often than not, they dawn on me that “Oh wait, isn’t the outcome something I wish so hard that I could have achieved?”

I also remember reading the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs few years back, which he shared his story about connecting the dots:-

Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. 

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

After all that have happened, I develop better grasp about connecting the dots, things happen for reasons, and God lets things happen for my best interest. I’m not sure, but counting blessing and positive thinking are like a kind of skill you know? You will just get better as you practise more!

I always regretted that I had taken short-cuts and the easiest way out throughout my education years. Instead of studying for knowledge and understanding all the underlying facts and principles diligently, I took it for granted my gifted good memory and studied for the sake of passing exams and became a rote learner. For this, I suffered so much upon graduation working as an engineer for not being able to implement and relate to the theories flexible enough. I see the granting of scholarship for my masters as a second chance to do it right and over again. Never in my life had I studied so hard before. It gave me a lot of satisfaction rising up to the challenge and when fellow course mates saw me as a “reliable” tutor. Besides, I used be such a terrible group leader during KUiTTHO days for not being appreciative at all about the efforts my team mates put into accomplishing their tasks. In Melbourne, bad luck followed me always! I kept being assigned to problematic groups, e.g. having non-contributing-at-all and plagiarizing team mates. Then it dawned on me that I was lucky enough back then to have team-mates who always accommodated my nothing-is-ever-too-good expectation.

I have always taken my family members’ love and care for granted and never really put in effort in establishing better bond with my siblings. Instead of working for it, I used to wallow in self-pity for not having good bond with family members. Falling –into-shit-hole turned out to be a blessing in disguise, it brought us the family closer together. When my sister paid me a visit in Melbourne, I walked her to the bus station and I was actually having tears in my eyes waving goodbye to her. For the first time in my life, I miss home and enjoy moments spent with family. I felt one kind too, on the day when my parents and sister flew back to Malaysia while I made my way to NZ.

SDL once told me a story that went something like:

A severe flood took place in a village. A man climbed up to the roof and waited to be rescued. A boat passed by and offered a lift but the man declined, “It’s ok, I’m waiting for my God to save me.”

Then came the helicopter, lowering down a rope in the endeavor of trying to save the man. The man rejected, “No thanks, I’m sure my God will come to my rescue.”

In the end, the man was drowned. When he finally met God, he asked in perplexity, “How come you never come to my rescue?” God then replied, “I did, I have sent a boat as well as a helicopter.”

This story made me become more alert about the silver lining behind every cloud. Thanks for sending so many boats and helicopters when I fell into the worst shit hole ever in my life so far.

JTKC has been a supportive friend for so many years. Throughout my ordeal of completing my masters while combating with the falling-into-shit-hole symptoms, she gave encouragement almost every day using google talk! Now it’s her turn to study abroad, I hope I could do the same for her too when she needs moral support.

I was so touched receiving the bible posted by TCN from Malaysia to Melbourne. I know both TCN and LKM are caring and would like to see the better me, else why bother offering advices when good advices always challenge someone’s ego, causing discomfort and at the same time not being appreciated by the someone.

It was heart-warming to receive phone calls from KCC and SPK asking for brief get-together whenever they dropped by HQ to run some errands or attend meetings, this goes to show I am not that awful after all as I occupy the very least a small little place in their hearts, right? Despite the fact that I always threw my tantrum towards KCC pertaining to work-related matters, I think he knew that I am actually kind at heart, I was just mega impatient and lack the ability to have good grip of my temper. But again, patience is also something that could be fostered using the practice makes perfect principle.

LVH is such a gem from the office. Knowing my intention of getting to know you better and that I was still searching for the right house of yours that I feel comfortable with and belong to, he drove all the way from PJ-Kepong-PJ just to pick me up to his church. He told me he saw I was being put on a white dress from old clothes as he was praying in tongues for me one day. I can’t really decipher the true meaning of the picture he that he visualized, but it was so sweet of him to pray for me. That was not all when it came to helping a troubled colleague (me!), when I reached my cubicle in the office one fine morning, I found several Christianity books and CD bought by him on my chair.

Thanks for sending WKI, someone with immense patience and a big heart. She’s been one of the strongest pillars of strength during the dark days.

I am grateful to have CP, my first Cambodian friend too. Knowing that I would laugh at the scene of him using chopsticks of different colors at once, he happily repeated the same trick just to paint a smile on my face, “Whatever that makes you happy!”

I am lucky to have BF too. A shy boy who has rendered so much help as course mate as well as a friend in need. He brought me closer to you too! I would still smile recalling the scene of my farewell dinner at Melbourne with some of my closest course mates, that BF finally succumbed to my constant pestering and gave me a hug! Seeing the good side in everyone is his greatest virtue, I would like to have this quality as well! My only complaint about BF is that, he indirectly brought in certain dramas into my routine in Melbourne: CC – someone who most probably sees me as her rival in love and/or pawn to win over BF’s heart…

Not forgetting, RB, one of the very few whom made me felt the heaviest to leave Australia. She is a mature, capable and funny buddy. She worked alongside with me throughout the second semester and had been really supportive. SL is such a great friend too! We bad-mouthed about our lousy lecturers, panicked together for being behind schedule for most of the major assignments, consoled each other for having “soul mates” and “good friends” (non-contributing partners) as group members, burnt midnight oil and struggled for exams together. We also came to a conclusion during final exams that “Cats are not good studying buddies!” All these experiences were bitter back then but they are now fond memories of my Unimelb days – it could have been worse if I were to be all alone!

Besides, I’m glad that I took up swimming lessons and got to know great people like LL and SY. Joining Unimelb softball club was also the very few right decisions that I had made! I felt really comfortable being around my softball teammates because we are all not ordinary soft ladies, we are rough and loud! I felt sorry for being the lousiest player in the team though…

I was puzzled at one stage after joining softball team, about my sexual orientation. I found myself admiring some of my teammates a lot and after the disastrous breakup, I got no crush whatsoever on any guys. I remembered probing BF, “Is homosexual acceptable in bible?” “NO!” BF replied. But I am pretty sure I am still straight after meeting with MA and PL.

Gratitude galore is also due for MLSL, AP, LSW, RZR, SLL. MLSL had been quite a good company for my OZ backpacking trip but her academic crisis was such a bummer. We could have more fun without the crisis. I thought the remaining half of my backpacking trip was doomed when MLSL had to ditch me and go back to Melbourne but everything turned out well. I had so much fun interacting with new acquaintance from the Uluru tour. It has been a while since I last laughed my heart out.

Now, here I am, having my working holiday in NZ and it was not all romantic.

I am a little confused about the purpose of your arrangement for me to meet with PL. At first I thought it must be a white noise that I felt something was in the air when we both sat on the coach and read our own books, when we have some on and off conversation and I was surprised at how aligned our thinking was. I considered his confession at the night before he left that the feeling was mutual a godsend and regretted that nothing can really be done about the mutual affection. But I am really not sure if his coming back after 2 days a blessing because I get too attached, the subsequent parting has inflicted quite some pain on me. On a positive hindsight, I am glad that PL has initiated the first step and I really enjoyed his company for the 2 weeks. Wouldn’t the regret be greater if we both did nothing about how we felt for each other? I am surprised that I still have the capacity to like someone this much after falling into the shit hole. Besides, PL made me forged ahead with the flipping-over of my chapter with JLSW, The negative hindsight is that this kind of no-string-attached relationship is difficult to fathom and made me feel insecure too. I think I’m too outmoded in this sense and not cut out for it. I wonder if there is still anyone on earth committed to choose only the right one and love the one you’ve chosen and make lifelong (one-to-one) companionship work? JTKC made a really point that, “提得起就要放得下。原本一个人也是好好的,多一个人疼爱是恩赐,要感恩知足。有缘一定会在一起,是你的就是你的!”

Oh yeah! I listen to Dido’s White Flag almost every day since 4 months ago but I still feel connected to the lyrics. How come I have a feeling the song is singing a major part of my heart out, be they towards my chapters with JLSW and PL…

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you or tell you that

But if I didn’t say it well I’d still have felt it, where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder or to return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will beI know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again

I caused nothing but trouble and I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of “It’s over” then  I’m sure that that make sense

I will go down with this ship

I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

I’m sure we will

All that was there will be there still

 I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue

And you will think that I’ve moved on”

I can tell you are still sending your “rescue team” occasionally here. LS and VE are good boys indeed. It is also a plus point that LS is an eye-candy! It was heartwarming the other day when I was actually crying in my room due to the unfair and unreasonable treatment I received from my current finicky boss. LS came knocked on my door, hugged and comforted me then both VE and LS made me nice pancakes. They even danced to cheer me up.

Not to mention, CN, a guy who is so motherly. You just feel warm being around him. Glad to have the moral support from E, Y and S too. I have never imagined that I’m going do well in service line given my easily agitated disposition and fast fuse. But to my surprise, judging from the feedbacks I received so far from the guests as well as all the heartwarming meals people prepared for me, I think I shouldn’t be that bad… I think…. Maybe, maybe I’m already the improved version of Samantha!

Last but not least, thanks for loving me. Please complete the work you have initiated in me and continue to walk with me the journey to become a better person each day.

With love,

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Inside the glass bottle…

“I want to walk tall, believe in myself, have the courage to ask for what I want and need, and live a life that mattered. I want to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and know that I am loved and that I belonged. I am desperate to feel worthy and I am hungry for the opportunity to live my fullest potential.” - modified from "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" - Debbie Ford

Under the apple tree…

"If you are not spending all of your waking life in discontent, worry, anxiety, depression, despair, or consumed by other negative states; if you are able to enjoy simple things like listening to the sound of the rain or the wind; if you can see the beauty of clouds moving across the sky or be alone at times without feeling lonely or needing the mental stimulus of entertainment; if you find yourself treating a complete stranger with heartfelt kindness without wanting anything from him or her... it means that a space has opened up, no matter how briefly, in the otherwise incessant stream of thinking that is the human mind." - A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle

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Ich lese….

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

The time keeper by Mitch Albom

The art of thinking clearly by Rolf Dobelli

The first phone call from heaven by Mitch Albom

Inferno by Dan Brown

For one more day by Mitch Albom

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez

A study in scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown

The five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom

Have a little faith by Mitch Albom

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

To kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge

Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

A Fresh Start by John Chapman

Inspiring quotes!

If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? (God in "Evan Almighthy")
“To love another person is to see the face of God.” ― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain
Aggie: "But what about the people who hurt you? Don't you ever want to make them suffer?" Norman Babcock: "Well, yeah, but what good would that do? You think just because there's bad people that there's no good ones either? I thought the same thing for a while. But there's always someone out there for you. Somewhere." - Paranorman
"机遇总是偏爱有准备的人"
“You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry, don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” by Walter Hagen
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, body totally worn out and screaming "WOOOHOOOO what a ride!" - by anonymous
When you travel, it’s not like you take a part of each place away with you; rather, it’s as if you leave a part of yourself there, like a part of you forever belongs to that place – the time, the people, and the things you saw; and over time, it gets burned deeper into your soul - by anonymous

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